I am not ashamed to be humbled before the Lord and before all of you.
I have been on a journey the last few months searching for the Lord desperate for his rescue....I felt like i was drowning, and i used anything and EVERYTHING to keep me from seeing the truth or accepting the truth...but i have been humbled.....I have seen what the sin in my life can do, I have seen the fruit of my sin so to speak.....I have hurt many people, more importantly i have been blinded by the enemy....lead to believe that there was something better for me than what i have.....AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, what i have....is AMAZING. My family, my boys ( husband included) are the biggest and best of blessings that I could ever dream of.
I have always known the truth, that there is an enemy.....but not until this weekend was i made aware of how TRULLY real he is and how intent he is in destroying relationships.
I wont go into details because that is not what is important....but i will say this, I made the mistake of not listening to the leadings of my husband (for my protection) and because of that (what would seem like a teeny tiny mistake) the enemy used me to hurt innocent people. People that I LOVE in particular the one person i love most in this world, my husband.
The Lord has BROKEN me.....(as a certain song would say)I am SHAKEN by His love. And this people is a good thing....I read something just a few minutes ago....and it really helps describe how i feel....because it is sooo hard to put into words what brokeness means to me. Here it is:
Brokenness is our humble response to God's conviction of our sins. Oncebroken, we find ourselves responding in humility and completerepentance. We are actually agreeing with God and saying, "Yes, Lord,You're right-I have sinned. All of my heart is Yours and I'll keepnothing from you."Being broken also means the walls of sin protecting the parts of ourhearts we refuse to surrender to God are torn apart and destroyed. Whenwe choose to yield to the Lover of our souls, He gives us this promise:
Isaiah 57:15 (New Living Translation)
15 The high and lofty one who lives in eternity,the Holy One, says this:"I live in the high and holy placewith those whose spirits are contrite and humble.I restore the crushed spirit of the humbleand revive the courage of those with repentant hearts.
I have a VERY long road to recovery ahead....i have MANY people to ask forgivness of, to forgive, I also have a BOATLOAD of secret sins that WILL come into the light. I am not perfect nor am i claiming to be or claiming that I will EVER be....but I am NOT running in the wrong direction anymore. I will stay this course no matter what it takes.
I write these things because i love you all....and i hope that if you can identify that you will feel free to use me in any way you can to help you.
I also write this as a declaration of how i want my life to be....I need support from people who love me. I need others to run this race with me. ARE YOU IN??