Saturday, April 12, 2008

Real, Deep, Always

Why is it sooo hard, or rather why do i make it sooo hard??

Since the definition of a blog is : an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page. So, then i thought maybe i would decide to make it JUST THAT. All worries and afflictions aside. That means that I am trying to just say what i mean and mean what i say without reservations or thoughts of what others might think of me after reading.

So today I wonder at 7 am on a Saturday morning,


Why is it soo hard to have a relationship with you?

A full on, deep, heavy, close, real relationship with YOU the living God?

Why is it that I can be at a place where i feel completely and totally right with you and loved by you, and then all of the sudden BAAM I hit a road block of complacency?

COMPLACENT: pleased, esp. with oneself or one's merits, advantages, situation, etc., often without awareness of some potential danger or defect

Why when sooo many other times in my life when I have hit this fork in the road, am i such an idiot and don't just consciously make the decision to carry on with full force seeking and praying and running in your direction?

Now please, don't think that because I'm sitting here in this mood, this attitude, that I have made a blunder or mistake that is eating me from within or anything of that sort. I am just sooo freakin frustrated. I want to have a relationship that is real..... that is deep...... that is always.

I want to talk to you (God) everyday, every moment where i feel hurt....when i feel alone....when i feel sick....when i feel happy....when i feel overwhelmed.....when i feel accomplished....when i am faced with temptation.....I want to lean on you when I've made a mistake.....when i have fallen....when i have succeeded.....when i have stood up for what i believed in......when i have resisted......So why then? Why does it always come to this? A place where I'm just scootin along....unaware.......

This is usually the time where the temptations of life decide to envelop me.....this is usually the time when i decide "eh, whatever" This is usually the time when I know the enemy is lurking.....and in the past i have done nothing to stop him from taking over my heart.

But what is it that gets me to this place?

Why do i allow that to happen???

Will I allow that to happen again, am i allowing that to happen??

If I were to allow myself the opportunity to be a therapist for the moment, to reach deep within and try to understand, i might decide that it is because I am afraid. I am afraid to give of my whole self, for fear that I might not receive your love in return....that you might forget me, get tired of me, ignore me, hurt me.............leave me.

Will you??

Did you??

Its no excuse, I know.....

Why cant I be real.....why cant i be deep.....why cant i be always?