Saturday, October 11, 2008

CONTEST and How I Met the Loves of my Life Part 12

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And without further ado, here is the continuation of the story you all know and love to read "How I Met the LOVES of my Life" its been waay to long.....

Part 12

I guess i have put this part of the story off because it was probably the most confusing time of my life, and it is very difficult to relive. I had been with "that boy" for nearly 6 years and had not dated anyone else, I was out of school had no real responsibility, my life was at a crossroads and i had decisions to make. I had NO idea what i wanted to do with my life....I was soo lost. So when he came home from the mission trip in Mexico all emotional and on fire for God I felt a HUGE disconnect. I had just cheated on him for Gods sake and he wanted to tell me about how he met several orphaned children and helped lead them to Christ.

I was so disgusted with myself, as i sat as his feet and listened to his amazing stories I just wept. He had no idea how i had just betrayed him......his thoughts we so genuine and so pure and I was such a lie. This should have made me want to straighten up, but instead it made me spiral deeper and deeper into self pity. As I said in my previous post this relationship with Keen lasted for some time in secret but it wasn't like what you would think, he lived about an hour away so i didn't see him often, but i talked with him often and even that, to me was enough of a betrayal.

"That boy" had begun to make comments about "taking the next step" and although I thought that was what i wanted I began to get really nervous, especially after being so careless with our relationship. I loved "that boy". But all of our friends were getting hitched and I didn't want to get married just cause everyone else was. I wanted to know in my heart of hearts that this was our purpose, and quite honestly i didn't know. I was so young, so i thinking of marrying him because i am afraid to loose him??

This is the part where my mature self would tell my immature self, "if you have to ask yourself that question, maybe its not the right time"

This is where I tell myself "pursue the life that GOD has planned for you, and let HIM worry about "that boy"

This is where i would tell myself "Seek the Lord, and HE will make your path straight"

I had my whole life before me, and I was worried about being alone.

I think about that sometimes and i want to just cry. How insecure, how sad.

But these are the things that anyone in my position would think about. When you go from being dependant on those that raise you or provide for you, to being independent, it is a scary and confusing time. And alot of times you want to cling to what is comfortable, what is within your comfort zone. I naturally clung to "that boy" and i began to organize my life so that we could take that step, when and if he decided its what he wanted.

I got a job working at the dance studio i grew up in, and also as a receptionist for a company that managed a group of UTHSC doctors. I paid off my car and saved everything else. I made all the necessary adjustments but began to feel distant from "that boy" I imagine this was where he began to feel the same emotions of fear. "Am i making the right decision" "Is she the one" etc etc. As time went on the phone calls and visits to Keen became less and less frequent, I was certain that a relationship with him would never work, we lived in two VERY different worlds, and my heart kept going back to "that boy" I think it is a tad ironic that when i make my decision to remain with him, he becomes distant from me.....BUT looking back i understand and most certainly relate to the feelings. BUT this would lead to a rather small instance of hurt, but a pain and a grudge that i still carry with me to this very day......