Saturday, May 30, 2009

Maybe you've had a similar experience.....

So I have four brothers and one sis, and Shaun (the oldest) is the BEST story teller outta them all. I even remember him telling stories in detail when we were youngins.....with sound effects and all, so anytime he gets goin im like Mary at Jesus' feet just ready to hear it....haha ( thats me and bro shaun to the right)--->

So a few years back he told me this story.....and i tell you what EVERY TIME i hear it I cant help but die laughing because he is so dang descriptive with the details. So much so its like you were there witnessing it all. So without furthur udo here is the story:

I had just gotten home from work and I usually throw on a pair of shorts or something to get out of my heavy work clothes. I should mention that one of my worst fears, if you can call it a fear, is to be in a situation like you were in and be totally unprepared. So anyway, I get undressed down to my boxers and decided I need something in the kitchen. I walk to the kitchen and pass the computer room and see Melinda doing some surfing, and continue on. So I get whatever it was and proceed to just plop down on the couch and watch the tube in my undies, as that is by far the most comfortable you can be.

All of a sudden, and I am going to tell you this in slow motion, cause that's how it all happened, I hear a LOUD scream, which was more like a RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR!!!! and I knew it wasn't my wife. I froze for a split second to see what was coming next, and I then heard a seriously big KKKEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRAAAASSSHHHHH of stuff falling, smashing and crashing around. My first thought is somebody just busted out of the closet in the computer room and grabbed my wife and they were rolling around on the ground. The next horrible sound to come up was my dogs going totally ape shit, and I mean three dogs barking like they bark when all hell is breaking loose. Now, remember we are in slow motion here, so all this happened pretty much simultaneously. So about this time I managed to stand up....that's it. I managed to stand up and realize I was in my underwear, and I had no way to either:

A: Look scary, and possible scare off the bad guy

B: Defend wife, dogs or myself from bad guy

or C: Go for help, as I would apparently rather die then go outside in my underwear.

So the next thing that happened confirmed what I had already thought, and that was Melinda came, wait......hmmm.......FLYING, yes that's it....FLYING out of the room towards me. Anyone seen a movie where the character is running as fast as possible, usually from a pending explosion, then they do the flying leap into the water/bunker/car/whatever thinking that's going to save them? Well, Melinda, from about 5 feet away, JUMPED into the air and latched around me like a facehugger from the Alien movies. It should be noted that when I saw her coming out of the room, she had bright red scratches down here neck, here eyes were about to pop out of here head, and she looked like she had just been a part of the scariest thing that has ever happened....EVER. As she was running toward me, all I had managed to do was stand up, and start dancing around like I was running in place. Now, what I was really doing was trying to decided if I should run back to my room and get my gun (which would mean going past the computer room where the bad guy could reach out and get me) , run into the kitchen and get a knife, or dive in to the room for some hand to hand combat, but no sooner had I even thought those things did I have a person stuck to me like glue screaming at the top of her lungs. I finally managed to get out a word or two and I was then screaming saying "WHATS WRONG!!WHAT DO I DO!! WHAT DO I DO, DO I CALL THE POLICE???WHAT DO I DO!!" and as I was screaming this I was edging toward our alarm pad on the wall that has buttons on it to either call ems, fire or police. I said that about 10 times, while Melinda was still AHHHH, AHHHH, AHHHH, EEEEEEEE, EEEEEEEE, EEEEEEE, around my neck, and I honestly wasn't sure I was going to stay conscious as she was squeezing the air out of me. Every couple of seconds that RAWWWWWWRRRRR went off again, and the dogs were still going nuts, and I had visions of all of them rolling around with the bad guy, and that the police weren't going to come right away, and I had to do something. Finally Melinda, in between Ahh's and eeee's,started sounding like she was saying something, and I then heard the absolute last thing in the world I thought I would hear. It went something like this:

AHHH, I, EEEE, GOT, AHHH, THIS, EEEEEE, Email....... Now I said what? I asked her again and she repeated it, with the ehh/ahh/ooh's and all. I went limp. It was one of those limps where you realize you were stiff as a board, but didn't notice until you went limp. I went so limp that Melinda started sliding down me like a fireman's pole. I picked her back up as she was still scared, and started walking towards the computer room. Still, every time that scream went off, she tightened around me like a Boa Constrictor and it was hard to walk. I finally made it to the room, and I still wasn't sure there wasn't a fight in there, because the computer chair was on the other side of the room, the key board was dangling by its cord, and the monitor had fallen off behind the desk. I reached up and turned down the speakers and noticed that were on full blast, and got the dogs to stop freaking out, all of this by the way, with her still stuck to me like those Siamese twins on the Discovery Channel.

I picked up the monitor and finally saw the cause of all of this. Melinda had gotten an email, which at the time, was new and people fell for it left and right, but is now super old, but I said to stare at this picture and you should eventually see a ghost, and if you turn up the speakers really loud, you should even be able to hear it. After you are in the zone, a devil face pops up and RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWAWAWAWAWARRRRRRR, scares you. That's it. No bad guy, no rolling on the ground, no shootings, stabbings, police, blood stains, dog fights, court, yellow tape, chalk outlines, NOTHING, but a stupid email. I was in a state of shock, and couldn't help but start laughing like a madman. I finally managed to pry her off of me and stand her up. She was still a mess, her hair was all over the place, scratches everywhere, eyes bloodshot red, but she'll live. To this day, she still doesn't know how those scratches got there, and we, or should I say I, bring it up everyone in a while to have a laugh. Of course, she tries to turn it around on me, talking about my dance in my skivy's, but whatever.

I maintain that out of all the youtube videos of people falling for that same email, her's would have won something. We could have been on the America's Funniest Video's 100k show if I had recorded it. So I had just a little taste of what could happen when you aren't prepared, so now I always wear combat boots, bullet proof vest, ballistic helmet and carry a sidearm with me no matter what I am doing, well maybe not but I should.....

Just for grins, her is a video of some other poor fool falling for a similar one that got Melinda:


Kristina P. said...

That is so funny! I don't think I ever received that email.

Jill said...

That is definitely the best reaction I have ever heard of to one of those stupid emails! TOO funny!

Anonymous said...

OMG! That is so funny! I am at work and people are asking me what I'm laughing at! classic!

Anonymous said...

Just stumbled across your blog and it cracked me up! I love people falling. Always a good time, as long as it is not me!

Keyona said...

Seriously. I had to take 4 breaks to finish reading the story. I actually almost peed myself. This is the funniest story I've heard in a while. I hink more so the way is was described I could picture it. OMG I'm still giggling while I'm typing. I can't wait to forward this.

Grand Pooba said...

Wow, did he write that or is this you retelling it? Either way, it was an awesome story!

I hate those damn emails, I would have done the exact same thing that she did. What makes the story all the more funny is that he was standing there in his undies!


Ailurophile said...

Oh I got one of those emails once too. They can be quite scary. I feel sorry for poor Melinda.

Pretty blog :)