I feel like i have had so much on my mind that i cant quite put it all into words that would make any sense to you all.....its like all that I have in there, in my head, is swirling around in circles making me so drained that I just decide to say "eh....i don't feel like it"
Ever feel that way??
I like to blog. And i love the comment support from women (and the occasional man) around the world that don't even know me. I love that they can relate or laugh at my dense thoughts. Well sometimes they are dense.... Never the less that's not why i blog..... Primarily, i do it because it allows me an outlet, a voice that would otherwise not be heard....well, except by a three year old and a seven year old who probably get tired of hearing it on a blustering level. Yes, I yell alot.
And I hate it.
Can i be honest for a moment here? Not that I'm ever artificial with my feelings, i guess i just needed to let it be known that I'm about to just puke my disheartened feelings all over the blogosphere.....
so there....let it be known before you continue.
I chose to be a stay at home mother because i didn't want my child to suffer the attention.....in a nutshell that is the just of it.
I wanted to be the one to teach him (them) his ABC's and see his first steps. I wanted to hear him say "mama" first and not mimaw or nana or what have you. I wanted to teach him his colors, his shapes, to hold him when he fell or bumped his nogin, and kiss him when he went down for his nap......
I did all that, I DO all that. And I am proud of how smart and well behaved they are. They aren't perfect to everyone. But to me, they are the epitome of perfect....in every way....and i couldn't ask for any child that was more.....
But truth be told, along with this job, comes HUGE sacrifice......
little old Staci.....
I'm not complaining....again, I CHOSE it. And I couldn't....no, wouldn't ever change it.
But here it is..... I'm missing.
I don't even recognize the Staci that I see staring at me from the glass hung on the wall...i see a woman with few REAL friends, a woman whose heart yearns for adult conversation....stimulation, other than the disgusting soap opera playing on the tv at 11 am every day.
I see a woman who barely reflects the vibrant, strong, modest, loyal and kind character she used to be.....and i don't understand.
Where did i go? And how do i find me again??
The answer might be in a bottle..... in the shape of a pill or in the form of liquid....strong, so it numbs the thoughts of suicide from the loneliness, or calms me to the point of unconsciousness...
Or maybe in a club.....with the music pumping........LOUD so it drowns out the sound of my heart bleeding.....
Or I could call that guy.....the one who gave me attention that one time...yeah yeah that'll work RIGHT??
None of that is real, or lasting, or fixes it.
Ill go to my God.
The way I have a thousand times before, and maybe JUST maybe this time I will let him be the one.
I don't write this for your pity.....i loathe pity....i don't need people to tell me it'll be alright. And i certainly dont need for you to worry....im stronger than i sound. ;)
I just need someone to hear me. to listen. I hope that's not too much to ask.