Monday, June 15, 2009

Nonsense......

I feel like i have had so much on my mind that i cant quite put it all into words that would make any sense to you all.....its like all that I have in there, in my head, is swirling around in circles making me so drained that I just decide to say "eh....i don't feel like it"

Ever feel that way??

I like to blog. And i love the comment support from women (and the occasional man) around the world that don't even know me. I love that they can relate or laugh at my dense thoughts. Well sometimes they are dense.... Never the less that's not why i blog..... Primarily, i do it because it allows me an outlet, a voice that would otherwise not be heard....well, except by a three year old and a seven year old who probably get tired of hearing it on a blustering level. Yes, I yell alot.

And I hate it.

Can i be honest for a moment here? Not that I'm ever artificial with my feelings, i guess i just needed to let it be known that I'm about to just puke my disheartened feelings all over the blogosphere.....

so there....let it be known before you continue.

I chose to be a stay at home mother because i didn't want my child to suffer the attention.....in a nutshell that is the just of it.

I wanted to be the one to teach him (them) his ABC's and see his first steps. I wanted to hear him say "mama" first and not mimaw or nana or what have you. I wanted to teach him his colors, his shapes, to hold him when he fell or bumped his nogin, and kiss him when he went down for his nap......

I did all that, I DO all that. And I am proud of how smart and well behaved they are. They aren't perfect to everyone. But to me, they are the epitome of perfect....in every way....and i couldn't ask for any child that was more.....

But truth be told, along with this job, comes HUGE sacrifice......

me.

little old Staci.....

I'm not complaining....again, I CHOSE it. And I couldn't....no, wouldn't ever change it.

But here it is..... I'm missing.

I don't even recognize the Staci that I see staring at me from the glass hung on the wall...i see a woman with few REAL friends, a woman whose heart yearns for adult conversation....stimulation, other than the disgusting soap opera playing on the tv at 11 am every day.

I see a woman who barely reflects the vibrant, strong, modest, loyal and kind character she used to be.....and i don't understand.

Where did i go? And how do i find me again??

The answer might be in a bottle..... in the shape of a pill or in the form of liquid....strong, so it numbs the thoughts of suicide from the loneliness, or calms me to the point of unconsciousness...

Or maybe in a club.....with the music pumping........LOUD so it drowns out the sound of my heart bleeding.....

Or I could call that guy.....the one who gave me attention that one time...yeah yeah that'll work RIGHT??

negative.

None of that is real, or lasting, or fixes it.

Ill go to my God.

The way I have a thousand times before, and maybe JUST maybe this time I will let him be the one.



I don't write this for your pity.....i loathe pity....i don't need people to tell me it'll be alright. And i certainly dont need for you to worry....im stronger than i sound. ;)

I just need someone to hear me. to listen. I hope that's not too much to ask.

14 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Staci, I will admit to you that this is one of the reasons we have chosen so long to wait to have kids.

I know it doesn't have to be this way, but I have way too many friends who have lost themselves, their amazing relationship with their husbands, etc., and it scares me to death!

Grand Pooba said...

Oh Stacers, I'm listening! I'm constantly looking up to you mothers that stay home with your children! It has got to be THE hardest job in the world. My job is cake in comparrison. You are a stronger woman than I and I commend you for that! And look at you going to God when that is the last place people will go to first!

Just remember that you are an amazing woman and I know you can find YOU.

No pity here.

Keyona said...

Stay strong. We'll be here to support you.

Sunshinemeg said...

Alright sista, no pity here. I hear what you are saying and have read others blogs who are dealing with the same thing. I think it is an incredible thing you are doing. I am not a mother, but my mother did the same thing you are doing for your children, for me. I consider you a hero. Can't even imagine the way you feel, or how down things can seem - but one day your child is going to look at you and say thanks. I so wish I knew a knock knock joke to throw in here or had a "virtual" cosmo for ya! Hang in there. Keep your head up! Wish I had advice/support for you.

Staci said...

thanks gals. And Kristina, I so dont mean to scare you, the thing i think that is the most upsetting is that I (if i could bold the "I" i would) allowed it to happen....

it is a sacrifice for sure....but the rewards will out way the difficulties FOR SURE!! My children will succeed in areas some wont because of my work.

thanks to all for your support!

THE Stephanie said...

Love you!!

bethany said...

I'm listening girl...I'm listening and taking you and your sweet heart before the Lord...He is everything! And you are loved incredibly...trust Him!
No pity here...just love from one sister to another! :)

Jill said...

You'll find yourself again. I think a lot of people go through this at some point- I have. ((hugs))

Queen Mama said...

Venting is good for you! And blogging is definitely an outlet. It is okay to feel that way. I do admire you also for being ABLE to stay home with your kids, I would like to, but I know I would need some medication to continue. My patience runs thin!

Tatersmama said...

It can be hard, wondering where the "me" went, because we end up getting called honey, or mama or sis or girlfriend... and to hear our own name is like waiting to see hen's teeth. It's gonna be a looong wait.
But just remember...
God knows your name.

And he doesn't say it nine hundred and forty eight times a day, either.;-)
He just whispers it quietly, when we take the time to listen.

BryNate said...

I totally understand where you are coming from!!! What I've done to make it better, is somehow pamper myself once a month (cause being a mom only lends out so much time). I'll get a pedicure or go to a bakery with friends or something to make me feel ME again! It takes the edge off.

Sharon M said...

It's especially difficult when your kids are young, I think. The are so dependent on you for so many things, it's easy to get wrapped up in their lives and put your desires and goals on hold indefinitely.

Keep holding onto HIM, Staci. He will direct you where to be, whether it's a new bible study group or a older, godly woman to serve as your mentor. Praying for you!

Personalized Sketches and Sentiments said...

What a blessing for us to have the faith and assurance to know that God listens. and in Him is our joy and strength.

I hope you know that you'll have someone here in coastal Georgia, who will listen too.

Thanks for your talent and abilities!

Staci said...

i love reading back through all these supportive comments....makes me smile :)