Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Selfish Staci.

The definition of "Selflessness" is simple......"having no concern for self " but by golly it is not as easy to live it out as it is to say it.

And I'll tell you something else, I have been just the opposite....SELFISH.....

Such an ugly word.

Selfish selfish me.

There really isnt any particular moment that i would say i was MORE focused on me than anyone else....cause its been kinda all the time over the past few months, and it just has been my attitude lately. Ive been all about figuring out shifty ways to fulfill my desires, my need for Independence, which i must explain comes from somewhere authentic but the more i let it take over the more twisted the authenticity becomes..... But either way, no excuse will suffice. No excuse makes any difference when you are staring into the tear filled eyes of someone you love who wants to know WHY hes being pushed away.

none. of. it. matters.

"what is your point Staci?" "what are you trying to say?"

I don't know really, "I'm sorry" maybe.....to all of those people who see me acting selfishly.....to all those people who prob want to smack me upside my dome and remind me of my blessings.....but i think mainly its me "talking out" things with myself....with my God....letting him know i acknowledge his presence and protection in my life.....

Man, when I think about perfect love one word comes to mind, Sacrifice.....

And what is amazing to me are some of the synonyms for that word "sacrifice" like for instance:

give up,
let go
endure
forfeit
Part with
offer up
renounce
resign oneself too
yield


sheesh....those are action words right? Those are TOUGH action words......so in order for me to truly love i must TAKE ACTION, i must FIGHT, i must ENDURE through all the hard times.... and frankly, I've been a weakling.

For me, i believe the ultimate sacrifice was given when Jesus Christ died on the cross. He was not only paying the price for our sins he was living out the example of true love....he was trying to make us see that when you truly love, you "have no concern for self"

WOW.

As i reflect on all of this I am reminded that even though he wanted us to see that, some of his last words were "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." Still in pain HE was thinking of us.

SO, in turn i will begin my journey to be less selfish. And TRUST me, i know i will never reach perfection.....but i will try my darnedest to think less of me and more of those i love.




***just wanted to make sure u see the word LESS selfish, i want people to know that at some point and in alot of situations you MUST think of you....however, lately i have made choices and acted selfishly....and i am trying to work through that. thanks for the honesty in my comments and emails....i love you all!