Monday, January 18, 2010


Yesterday was my sweet baby Landon's birthday. Landon is no longer a baby, but he is MY baby. He turned 4, and as the years have passed this feeling in the pit of my stomach has grown bigger, and bigger and babies are no longer babies.....i wont be a "stay at home mom" anymore. In two weeks, my "baby" will be going to school for the first time. For the first time he will be without me for 8 hours a day....and i cannot handle it. :(

These last few weeks have been so emotional for me, not only am I about to have to leave my child in a strangers hands at 6:45 Tuesday and Thursday mornings, but two friends that I have known since middle school have gone to be with the Lord....and some heart breaking things have been going on with in my family. I am trying so hard to cling to my faith and to not allow bitterness to encompass my heart but it is difficult to understand why these terrible things are happening.

Lindsey had just gotten married less than two years ago and had a sweet baby boy 10 days before she passed. And although i hadn't seen her in years her passing affected me in ways i cannot explain. Maybe its because i know a mother has many fears when it comes to her children, but none greater than losing or leaving her child behind.

And Brandon was such a great guy, we didn't get to see each other often but when i did see him he always made me laugh and was always so happy. Last time I saw him was at my 30th bday party, even though he hardly knew anyone there, he made sure to come and wish me a happy birthday and give me a big hug. He was soo worried he wouldn't be able to come because he didn't have on "close toed shoes"( he had on flip flops) so he made a pit stop at his house which was outta the way just so he could be there. And on new years i had posted that i was having a get together on facebook and he made sure to call and say he would have loved to come but he would have to work until at least ten and so he probably wouldn't make it. Its things like that that made Brandon such a good guy, he was always more interested in making others happy then himself, and he always made sure you knew, even if you weren't close, that he cared. I now wish i would have gone to the restaurant that he worked at when he invited me. He will be missed.

Having had all of this happen it was hard to be excited about my "baby's" birthday because this just means that he's growing up and that soon i will not be able to hold him as closely (protect) as i once was able to. He will be more independent and wont need me as much, and that scares me to death.

I am praying for the mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, and for the husband and friends who have lost these precious people. I am praying that the will not loose faith, that they will believe that Lindsey and Brandon are in a beautiful place where they are comforted and without pain. I am praying that I will hold on loosely to my children so the can LIVE. And i am committing to loving my friends and family and appreciating "time"more than before.....


Jenster said...

Great job on the memorials. They made me cry, especially with all the pictures of Brandon when he was a young boy. This truly makes me want to remain calm at all times with my daughter. Mortality can be taken at any given time and it's so important to love the ones we love. No regrets.

Grand Pooba said...

Oh my gosh, seriously touching!

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