Has any one ever had that feeling of dread, you know, the one where you wake up not realizing you ever fell asleep, with the gut wrenching feeling that you have made a terrible mistake? A mistake that didn't just affect your life, but had a ripple affect on those around you, maybe even people you hold the closest. Well I have, several times. And when this has happened, and maybe your even going through a similar situation as we speak, but when this happened, have you ever felt like giving up? Have you ever told yourself that you were worthless, that you had no value or that your life would forever be ineffective? Well, again, I have.
Feeling this way, its natural. Well, natural for most. When we mess up, we naturally feel guilt, shame and remorse and it is true that there is a proper time for this. However, its when we cant let go of that guilt that it can begin to chip away at our very soul. And after sometime of wallowing in our degradation we sometimes become someone we don't even recognize and our loved ones become almost untouchable as we don't feel we are worth their love.
There was a time in my life where I was making choices I couldn't bare to live with, and the more i kept my choices in the dark, the more it chipped away at Staci. I became a woman I couldn't even recognize in the mirror, a woman who held even her own precious children at arms length because I BELIEVED they would be better off without my love. I went through several YEARS of this torment. For years I chipped away, chipped away, chipped away, until there was almost nothing left....and then, I finally crumbled. Into a million and one pieces.
(switching stories for a sec, i promise it will all come back together)
The other day as J and I were unwinding in the evening we came across the movie "Blood Diamond". I had never seen this movie and we happened upon it in the middle of the movie. I expressed to J several times that "id rather watch this movie in its entirety" but for some reason he didnt turn it. To make a long story short there is a part in the movie that caught my attention and left me in tears and I believe with my whole heart I was meant to see it.
Let me set up the scene, In 1999, in Sierra Leone, the fisherman Solomon Vandy dreams on the day that his young son Dia Vandy will become a doctor. His dreams are shattered when the rebels invade his village and kidnap him to work in the diamond mines. Solomon finds a huge pink diamond and while hiding it, the commandant of the rebels sees, but the rebels are attacked and Salomon is arrested by the government army. While in jail, the wounded commandant tell the prisoners that Salomon found the stone, and the mercenary smuggler Danny Archer from Zimbabwe releases Salomon and proposes to exchange the diamond by his missing family. Using the idealistic American journalist Maddy Bowen, Danny locates the wife and daughters of Salomon in a refugee camp, but is informed that his son has been recruited by the rebels. Salomon and Danny consolidate a partnership, with Salomon looking for and finding his son, and Danny looking for the diamond and finding redemption. They have just found Solomon's son and where they hid the diamond and Dia (the son) turns on them with a gun.
I pictured myself in Dia's position, so far removed from who I was that I was willing to push my family away (hurt my family).
Please take a moment and listen to Solomon's words to his son, and picture Jesus, speaking to a broken soul.
Psalm 86:15 But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.
You see, I crumbled....my sin was exposed and it devastated me and the people I loved. But i was shown Christ's love through most of those I hurt, and forgiveness was extended, and my heart is being mended. But there are times I will go back there, and Jesus gently whispers to my heart, reminding me of who I am.
I hope that this little clip did for you what it did for me. It reminded me that I am NOT a bad person. That my past sin has not defined me, and that my Father wants me to come home and be his child again. He didnt ask me to keep reliving my sin, he simply forgot it ever occurred.
So tonight, are you letting your mind go to that dark place in your past? If so, fall into your Fathers arms and let Him remind you who you are.